Hoping You Are Not an "Evil Mommy" while Doing What is Best for Your Gifted Child

Being the parent of a gifted child can be difficult. You are faced with so many tough decisions regarding what you should do or where you should school your child. And as you are trying to figure things out everyone else sure has their opinions to express. Often they are not so nice. This is where we begin to feel like terrible parents.

We have had to make so many decisions for our 3 gifted kids, and each time we honestly aren't sure if it is going to be the right thing. Is anyone ever positively sure?

We've tried "enhanced" curriculum or what the schools call "enrichment" to give extra work or challenge to the kids.

We've done the full time gifted program.

We've done the split grades thing.

We've tried not caring so much what they are doing at school and teaching them at home.

We've tried opening other opportunities to them outside of just academics like getting them more involved in the arts to keep them less bored.

And then in the end we've skipped all 3 of them up a grade.

Now, is this evil? Well, according to many many others, you would think we were cursing our children for life.

Just recently when deciding whether or not we should skip our daughter into 1st Grade, we got quite a lot of comments.

They would say, "Oh, you are robbing your kid's childhood!"
Now come on--how is putting my child in 1st grade "robbing their childhood"? It's not like I'm sending them to military school or making them get a job! So they go to school a little longer and do a little more challenging work at their level. Would it be better if we just let them sit home and watch tv all day? Is that giving them more of a childhood?

Or for my 10 year old who just skipped 5th grade, how many comments we received over that. There are so many people that have told us that skipping grades is absolutely the worst thing you can do to a kid and that they will surely hate us later when they are older and have such an awful social life.

Now, yes, skipping grades is a big deal, and I do look ahead and see my kids being very very young high schoolers, especially my little girl who is now in 1st grade as a 5 year old who will not turn 6 until the very end of the year. It is weird to know that she is in 1st grade right now with kids 2 years older in some cases. That's a big difference.

It's hard to see my 10 year old be in 6th grade knowing he will be in Junior High next year and seeing all the other older kids towering above him or so much more physically mature.

It's hard to see my just turned 8 year old in 3rd grade with kids that don't share the same interests as him because of his age.

So, yes, maybe I'm an evil mommy, but we really have had to weigh over all the pros and cons and when we've tried so many things, this seemed only to be the next option.

I don't believe so much that skipping your child grades will ruin them. I think every child is different and an individual.

Well, as we get the ugly looks and the murmurs behind our backs about how we did such a horrible thing to skip our kids grades, we hang on and hope that things will work out for the best. Maybe it's not the best thing to do for all children, but for our kids, we're giving it a try. True, all most parents want is to see their kids happy. With our kids, being happy has a lot to do with being challenged at school.

Another Child, Yet Another Grade Skipped

Our oldest had skipped 5th grade, our second had skipped Kindergarten, and now here we were facing the decision yet again to skip our 3rd child.

Really, we didn't want to have to keep dealing with this. We just wanted our kids to be normal. What ever that meant. I mean, really, were our kids that much different than their peers? Maybe they were really aliens from outer space. No, I'm only kidding, but where did they get these smart genes from?

We really didn't want to skip our 3rd child. Our 2 boys seemed a little bit quirky and they weren't into sports and they didn't seem to have any problems skipping, but #3 was a girl, and her age was much much younger to be skipping a grade. She was a young 5. She would not be turning 6 until May. What about dating when she gets older? She wouldn't be 16 until the end of her junior year in high school!

Well, as we waited for all the testing the school was doing, as parents we weighed over the pros and cons. We weren't going out there trying to push our child forward. We had told them initially that we didn't want it, but yet they were coming to us because they saw the need. We began asking our daughter what she felt about school and we got some surprising responses.

Pretty much our #3 thought school was super easy and she already knew how to do everything and she thought it was just about playing and having fun. We began to wonder if she was going to get the wrong idea about school. Isn't it about learning?

Her teacher would send home a book a day for her to read and she would read them in a few short minutes and send them back to get another one. Soon the teacher told me she had no more books in her classroom library that she could send home because she had read them all.

What were we to do? Our daughter knew why they were testing her and she wanted to go to 1st grade. We wanted to be sure it was for the right reasons though, not just because she wanted to eat lunch at school or have 2 recesses. We asked her again and again if she were sure. What about your friends?

She simply replied, "Oh, I will still see them at lunch recess, and anyway Mommy, I make tons of new friends everyday!" She was so confident and so happy and outgoing. This child surely didn't have any problems socially. It was rather interesting not having to think so hard about that problem in a gifted child.

Anyway, we met with the principal, her teacher, and the school psychologist that basically told us she needed to be advanced. They said her scores were all extremely high mostly in the very superior range and that she scored at the level of a first grader at the end of the year and had the math and reading skills closer to a student in 2nd grade. How could we keep her in Kindergarten? Well, I suppose we could always try it and see what happens.

What about all day school? Actual homework? Would it be too much? How would the other kids react?

The psychologist said it would be her last day in Kindergarten, and then after a 3 day weekend break, she would start in first grade on Monday.

So, here we go again. It's not like this is new to us, but each child is different, and do you really ever know if you did the right thing? There is so much negative reaction out there from other parents when you skip a child a grade as well as other things, but that is for another post.

For now, we sit on the edge of our seats and wait to see how another grade promotion goes.

Too Smart for Kindergarten?

This is cute #3. She started Kindergarten this year. While I knew she was a pretty bright kid, I'm not so sure she was gifted like that of my 1st two boys. It had been a rough road trying to figure out schooling with #1 and #2, and I just wanted to be done with it.

"Just let my child be normal." I would say to myself, and to teachers as well. I just wanted to have a "normal" child that could go to school like normal and be fine and dandy and not need any special instruction.

Well, I did not get my wish.

3 weeks into school I got a phone call from her teacher while shopping. Her teacher says to me, "I feel like I am wasting her time. She already knows everything I'm going to teach this year. I'm wanting to know if you want her tested for 1st grade."

Oh my. #3. Really we had decided ahead of time that we weren't even going to bother doing anything special as far as school placement with #3. Not that she didn't deserve the best schooling, but we just wanted our kids to be that "normal" that I guess they weren't. And it was weird this time. This was the 1st time that we had a teacher coming to us first to ask us if we wanted to do something because they are the ones to notice first.

Hmmm......what to do?

Our #1 was always so smart. Sooo very smart. It still baffles me to this day how smart he is. But he always showed it from like 18 months old. His has been the roughest road. Bored in Kindergarten, then transferred to a full time split grade gifted program, then back to regular school, then bored again, put into some classes in the grade above his, then finally skipped into the 6th grade. What a mess!

Our #2 was a little different. While he didn't show giftedness at an early age, he almost just woke up overnight one day knowing how to read and everything. It was very different, but also surprising. He had an incredible musical natural talent, but he was also smart enough that he just skipped Kindergarten and started in the split 1st/2nd grade full time gifted program. Now he is back to regular school, but still ahead a grade, although I've never thought it too dramatic because he has an early October birthday.

But here we are with #3. Again, she didn't show giftedness right off, although she sure was a talker! From a young age she sure was always very articulate. We figured it didn't matter how smart she was, because she could talk very well. But then, again, an overnight thing almost. It was like one week she was scribbling and barely knew her ABC's, and then the next week she was coloring perfectly within the lines and had taught herself to read. And the week later she was reading chapter books! How did that happen?

So, anyway, I didn't know what to say to her teacher. Did we want her tested? She may have been smart, but she was also so young! Her birthday was in May, and so she wasn't one of these kids about to turn 6. She was a young Kindergartner.

Well, I told the teacher to go ahead and she could test our #3 now. Of course this didn't mean we were making any decisions, but just maybe we could see how she tested and then think about it.
So, for the next few weeks they tested her, while we contemplated what decision we could make.

1st Day of School after Skipping 5th Grade---Yikes! Are these 6th Graders?!

Well, the big day came. It was the first day of school and we sent off our little 10 year old to 6th grade! Now, our oldest isn't really short. Well, true, I am only 5 feet tall and my husband is 5 foot 11, but I always felt our son was somewhat average in height.

Well, it for sure didn't matter much anymore. We walked to school and watched as the kids separate into their grade groups and line up by class outside the school doors. I looked horrified by these towering giants and girls (with boobs!) who were going to be my son's classmates. Could these really be 6th graders?! They were huge! And so mature looking!

I guess when your son goes from class with little 9 year old boys and girls and then the next year jumps into class with these older almost 12 year old boys and girls (or should I say young women) that it is a dramatic jump. Our son looked so small. He lined up in line and I couldn't even see him because his head was a foot lower than the other kids in line. And he was standing next to girls!

Was this a bad decision? Yes, my little genius of a boy deserved to be promoted and I'm sure he wasn't going to have any problems academically, but should we have allowed this? Sure, socially it didn't seem to matter because no one accepted our quirky son with Asperger's in his classes last year. He was miserable both socially and academically. We wanted some sort of happiness for him. I didn't want him to get stepped on though. What would the other kids think? Would they know he didn't really belong in their grade? Would they know he skipped?

All these worries, yet, these were all things we went against anyway because we had found out that he didn't seem to fit in anywhere, so why hold him back? Why not give the smart boy the opportunity to go ahead and be more challenged and enjoy school more on an academic level?

Well, off he went and we waited to see what would become of such a bold decision. Good luck my little one.

The Decision to Skip 5th Grade

Yep, our oldest was just not fitting in.

I laugh at this cute picture. (Really he does not carry a fanny pack and wear an army hat everyday....this was just from a vacation where we were going to be walking a lot and couldn't use a backpack.)

But anyway, he was not fitting into this whole educational plan. It was the end of 4th grade now and we didn't feel as if things were working out. Yes, the school had been wonderful to try new things and give him opportunities that I'm sure they had never allowed others before. He was able to take subjects in higher grades and work more on his own with research projects, but it was still not smooth sailing. It was awkward going from grade to grade and he was still bored with the 4th grade subjects most of the time, and we already discussed how we didn't feel comfortable with the idea of him having to walk to the junior high school and back when he reached 6th grade, so what should we do?

Back when he was in Kindergarten and bored we thought about skipping him to first, but we never acted on it. Instead he tested into the separate school gifted program which he started in 1st grade. And while it was somewhat academically challenging, he was still advanced and suffering socially. What to do?

Moving him back to the regular school did not solve this problem. While he had friends at first, again he ended up bored and alone at the end of the year. There was no match for this poor kid. The split grade thing was OK, but it was just hard to transition back and forth all the time.

So,
we decided to again ask the school about having him skip a grade.

Last year they had decided against it because of social reasons mostly, but by the year's end, it went to show that it didn't really matter. While before he was happy academically but not socially at the gifted school, here he was happy socially but not academically, but now once again he was miserable both academically and socially. There was no winning. We knew we couldn't control his happiness social wise. He was a different kid, and maybe he just wasn't going to fit in no matter what. But, we could help with the academic happiness. Why not skip a grade?

OK, now this is a big issue, and yes, a lot of people tend to freak out.

What about sports? What about maturity level? What about when they get older in high school?

Well, our oldest hates all sports and does not have any desire to try out for any sports teams, so no worries there. I don't suppose he is immature, but I don't think he is fitting in socially where he is anyway. It has been a long 5 years with still little friends if any. And, high school? Hmmm.....I don't know. All I do know is that our son was super smart, and the only time I could kind of see him happy was when he was being challenged and really learning at school.

He was plenty smart enough. Remember the school had tested him last year and basically told me he was smart enough for college classes or what not, but now when we approached the school again they were leaning against it. It raised too many "red flags" they said. It wouldn't be a good idea. But what would? Let him be challenged and let him be happy at least somewhat without all the trauma of having to change classes and split between grades to miss this or that. We just wanted him to be in a stable classroom where he could take all his subjects and not have to travel to another school in 6th grade.

So, we met with the Principal and the psychologist and discussed our proposition. They were hesitant, and the school psychologist told us she didn't think it would do what we thought it would do for my son. I'm not sure what she thought we were thinking, but it just seemed to make sense to us.

And no, maybe it wouldn't solve his boredom problem, and sure, it probably wouldn't help with things socially, but then what else would? We had tried so many things, different schools, different gifted programs, split grades, extra type work options, etc....but things were still not great. Why not at least help him to feel stable in a single classroom? He deserved it. He already had passed 5th grade math and knew most of the other subjects. Why have him repeat it?

So we waited anxiously over the last few days of school to see what the Principal would decide. I don't know what we worried about more---his decision being no or his decision being yes. Either way, it was going to be hard to take in.

The second to last day of school the Principal emailed my husband and told him they had agreed to the grade promotion. My little 10 year old would now be a 6th grader the following year!

Now came the stress and worry and wondering if we made the right decision. It seems like it would have been so much easier if they had just skipped him back in Kindergarten. This was all turning into a mess. Now it seemed so dramatic to go from 9-10 year old classmates to 11-12. We didn't want him to miss anything, so we looked up 5th grade curriculum and had him study all of 5th grade science and history over the summer just so we could know he had experienced it before going onto 6th.

Summer was long, but not long enough. 6th grade was coming, and we worried still if this was going to be good or bad. This hadn't been our decision. Our oldest had expressed his desire to be in one set class and he wanted to be more challenged. It was a joint decision, but I think he was a little nervous as well.

Gifted in Music

While my cute gifted kids have amazed me with how much they know and how fast they read, it has always amazed me the most how easily they pick up learning a musical instrument.

Maybe it is because of their giftedness that it is so easy for them. I don't know. I know different kids can be gifted in different areas. It just keeps surprising me at how much these kids can accomplish. Maybe I am just jealous. I wish I could master an instrument.

Our cute little piano player is 7 years old now and about to compete in his first University piano competition this week. Here he is playing his pieces at a "practice recital"

And while he has always amazed me teaching himself to play the piano at only 4 years old, (he has been taking piano lessons now for a year with a wonderful teacher), I am now also amazed by my oldest son. He picked up a guitar and we let him start guitar lessons. After just 3 months he is able to play like this:

How do these kids do it? I mean it just seems to come so natural to them! I guess I love that their giftedness can spread from the classroom and go to the arts as well.

A Gifted Child in a Regular School--Making it Work?

Can it work? We had sacrificed higher academics for hopes of a better social life for our oldest, but was it worth it?

Yes, for once our child was happy and had friends, but now we were back to the happy socially, but bored academically. Could we never have the best of both worlds?

We were in a regular elementary school with no gifted program to speak of. Because of budget cuts, the pull out gifted program that was once there had been all discontinued. Unless in the magnet program at another school (which we had just given up), there was nothing out there for gifted students.

Or was there?

After the school psychologist completed all these tests and had basically told us he was far above his peers, they had proposed a plan to challenge him more. It all sounded good, but was it really going to happen? They said they would allow him to go into the next grade math, and as far as the other subjects, he would have extra activities, research projects, and his own computer to use. So, did this happen, and what did he think of it?

For a while it may have been working. He was loving math where he would go to a 5th grade class and do math there. That was his favorite part of the day because he was actually learning something new.

The other parts of the day he would finish his reading or work before the others and so he would just start creating power point presentations going more in detail on whatever subject his 4th grade class was learning. This was OK for a while, but often he would mess up on the saving in the computer part and all his work would be lost, or his teacher would forget to remind him things, or he would just plain forget he could do that and so usually it was still boredom.

Soon he began coming home in tears because schedules were not matching up. 4th grade was doing one thing, but he needed to be in 5th grade when they did math, but sometimes they changed things around, and then he'd miss something and it would cause major drama.

The school's plans were to continue placing him in one grade but having him do math in a higher grade, so eventually they would have him walk to the junior high school when he enters 6th grade to take 7th grade math. That seemed a little complicated. How was that going to work out schedule wise? And was that safe?

Letting him use his own little laptop seemed great and nice and all, but was he really being challenged, or was he just being given busy work or fillers so he would have something else to do besides read when he finished ahead of the others? He was still telling me that he already knew the stuff they were teaching most of the time.

It was great that this school was actually making an effort and trying to make things work for a gifted child, but I don't know if this was the answer just yet. We waited and observed, but things weren't looking good. By the end of the school year he had no friendships to speak of, and again he was bored academically. Once again we began looking for other options.

Making up for a lack of Educational Challenge with Extracurricular Activities

The school had tested our oldest son, and although they told us he was "superior" in intelligence and scored mountains higher than his peers, they chose not to skip him grades. They did allow him to take math in the next grade up, but as far as other subjects, he was just going to be given some "accommodations".

This plan seemed to have some struggles from the beginning. He had to leave his 4th grade class to go to a 5th grade class for math which did not quite match up in scheduling. The 5th grade took longer for math, but since he needed to be back to do other things in the 4th grade, he always had to miss the last part of math. Now, this wasn't a big deal because we found out he was actually helping the 5th graders understand how to do their math, but often it would cause emotional meltdowns when the 5th grade teacher forgot to release him and he ended up missing recess or important activities in his regular class.

He did love the advancement in math finally, and that he wasn't bored about it anymore, but for other subjects he was still pretty bored. The accommodations that the school suggested was to have his own personal laptop as to which he could do research and make up power point presentations on various subjects that his class was learning about. He would do this whenever he finished an assignment ahead of the class.

This seemed all well at first, but eventually he would forget to ask his teacher for the laptop, or many times he had worked for weeks on a project and then somehow it got deleted in the computer and all his time had nothing to show.

He soon became bored again and really was not being challenged at all. At least he had math which kept him happy (except for too many times when he had to miss it or things didn't work out between the 2 grades schedules).

So, what could we do? He came to us and asked us one day, "Why does summer vacation so long?" I laughed thinking what kid on earth actually thinks summer vacation from school is too long!? But really, he told us how boring it is to be out of school and not able to be learning things. Of course he was pretty bored right now, so what could we do about it?

He read plenty. I'm sure most of what he learns comes from his own studying and reading of hundreds of thick science books or what not that he reads on a daily basis, but he was still bored. We decided if he wasn't going to get enough to do at school, that we'd try some extracurricular activities.

He has been taking dance for 3 years (Yes, I know, a brilliant mind but a dancer? My husband often thinks it is not allowing him to live to his full potential, but every smart kid needs some creativity too!) so he does that 2 days a week. He still wanted more though, and he wanted more of a challenge, so we thought to let him pick out an instrument and get him involved in music lessons.

He chose guitar. We found him a teacher and he began taking lessons. Amazingly enough he has begun playing the guitar and exceptionally well. His teacher tells us he is the fastest learning student he has ever had. Only 4 guitar lessons and he was already playing pretty good. And this wasn't just strumming chords, it was picking like each individual notes with different fingers, like the fancy stuff. I couldn't believe it. Yes, he was super smart with school stuff, but I didn't know he could just pick up a guitar, have a few lessons with no experience and be so good. I guess we should have believed the school psychologist when she said he "had the ability to master anything presented to him". It was soon proving true.

Now, while this wasn't helping him be more challenged and enjoy school more, it was giving him something in a different challenge that I do believe develops the brain. We still felt as if he needed more at school. If only he could have a better fit. This split grade level shifting back and forth was not always working, and the "accommodations" were just turning into busy work, but nothing that would allow him to advance and gain more knowledge as he wanted.

But we waited, and we hoped for something more.

They told us they would "accommodate" him in other ways during the school day.

Testing Results, "He's 1 in 300,000"

We waited anxiously to hear back from the school psychologist. They had been testing our oldest for 3 weeks now and I was on edge.

What if they told me we were crazy and he really wasn't that smart? What if they told me he had more problems because of his Asperger's? I just wished they would tell me something. Anything!

I impatiently emailed the psychologist asking how much longer until we knew anything and if she could give me any clue as what he was showing. This is what her email said back:

"His achievement scores are all in the Superior to Very Superior range. Cognitively, he is more of a puzzle. His verbal index is in the Very Superior range (standard score 136) as well as his perceptual reasoning skills (standard score 135). His holes are in his Working Memory and his Processing Speed, which are both in the average range when compared to boys his age, but he is not an average boy!! We need to take these skills into consideration as we plan his programming. You have a boy who is operating in the 96-99th %ile. That is not going to change - that is his hard drive. We need to individualize his education just as we do the kids on the other end of the spectrum - the very low children. I am working on his report and researching some interventions this weekend. I have also contacted the education dept at the university."

OK, so I was relieved that they didn't think he was dumb or anything and we were just pushy parents, but really, I still didn't understand all her talk about levels and processing and what not. She scheduled a meeting for us, the Principal, the district gifted coordinator, and herself. Of course I was a little nervous of this being I would be meeting with the coordinator of the gifted program whom I had recently pulled my boys out of her program. I hoped she was not angry with us.

My husband and I met the next day and the meeting was astonishing. We all sat around a table while the school psychologist told us that he was "1 in 300,000 kids" to be at the level he was intellectually. She showed us charts and graphs and numbers here and there that compared him to that of a 25 year old adult. She showed his level as compared to his classmates where he stretched far far ahead of his peers. Really, we sat there almost in awe thinking, "Are you sure? He's just a kid."

And then, I was surprised by what recommendations they had.

They did not recommend he skip 4th grade. They said he was so smart that he had the ability to master any subject matter presented to him rather quickly. They said if they skipped him grades it would do no good because he would just need to be skipped again and again and again.

They said rather than skipping him, they would like to accommodate him in the following ways:

1-allow him to take certain subjects in the higher grades but keep him based in his own grade
2-give him access to his own personal computer where he can research info on his own
3-allow him separate projects and possibilities of creating power point presentations to his class
4-give him alternate assignments to allow him to go more in depth on interesting topics

and then one extra help for his Asperger's:

5-have him meet in a peer group with the psychologist once weekly to work on social skills

So, here we were, entering a new set up for our 9 year old. It was so funny almost to think it had taken us so long for anyone to really want to match his full potential. Yes, the gifted program was great, but even then it didn't quite fit him. I wonder why we pulled him out of this school in the first place. This school seemed to be doing so much and they really really wanted to help him succeed. Not just succeed, but live to his fullest possibilities.

It was almost like we were the parents of some kind of celebrity. It was just weird sitting there with all these important people telling us how wonderful our son was. Sure, we knew he was smart, but they were making us feel as if we were important members of society like related to the President or something.

Sad, that is that every parent isn't treated this way no matter what. Not that we were ever treated badly before, but this was just so different. We were really impressed with the way they seemed to care so much.

So, here we were, ready to start a new path for our oldest. He was destined for great things they told us. We would soon see.