Social Struggles for Our Gifted Children

Look at these cute kids. They seem like pretty decent, friendly, likable kids, don't they? Well, that may be true, but what happens when they are a bit different from the other kids their age, or when they are in school with kids years older than them? How do things work out then?

Sometimes it has made me laugh how my kids have thought in the past how all kids their age or size should be interested or be able to do the same things that they can do. I remember #2 having playdates when he was 5 and just assumed that the other kids would know how to play the piano or read like him, like it was just a normal thing that every kid did. I laughed as I watched him one day asking the other child, just 4 year old what songs he played on the piano and what books he liked to read. He didn't understand that other kids didn't do these same things.

I've watched my oldest kind of regress socially at times to fit in. Before he had skipped grades he so wanted to fit in with his peers. I would watch him try to interact with other kids his age and when they were bored with all his scientific explanations or discussions on rocks, mineral, or types of insects, he would soon give up and start jumping around shouting exploding noises or just being plain annoying. I didn't understand this for a time, but it seemed to him the only way he could get kids his age to pay any attention to him. It didn't seem right though.

I watched my Kindergartner, though much more outgoing than my boys, run and say hello to every child at school calling them by name and explaining to them how to do everything and how to act and do their best while they all looked at her like, "why is this girl talking to me?"

It's been interesting. I guess my kids didn't always fit in with their peers then, but what about now that they have all skipped a grade?

Well, #1 has had an interesting year. I think he has gained a certain level of respect from the other kids just because they know he was smart enough to skip a grade. Although he may still be a little odd, which more or less comes from his Asperger's Syndrome, I believe that he is accepted as who he is and other will let him into their groups. Although I'm not sure if he has found any really close friends or developed any lasting relationships with kids at school, I do believe they all allow him to have input on their conversations and he feels happy with where he is. I am glad that with this group of peers I have not seen the need for him to act immature and stupid to get attention from these older kids. I do worry as he nears Junior High this next year that his interests will not match up to the other kids in his grade. They most likely will have started to like girls, while he is still into Pokemon, Star Wars, or legos.

#2 has always been my kind of clueless one. He just thinks everyone is his friend. What a wonderful attitude I guess, but somewhat funny that he thinks the whole school is his friend. It wasn't until his birthday party that we realized just how clueless he was. He invited so many kids and they all came, but as we watched the way they interacted, none of them but maybe 1 really cared that they were there for him. No one really wanted to play with him or talk to him. They were all happy to be at a party, yes, but they could have cared less it was his party. It was strange. But more strange was how different in personality they all were. Maybe it is just a wild bunch he is with this year, and yes they are all a year older than he, but they just wanted to run around and tear apart everything. #2 wanted to have a "piano party" but I had to talk him out of it a bit because it involved what he wanted all his friends to be around him while he played songs on the piano and I just didn't think a bunch of 8-9 year olds would care much for that.
I'm glad for his good spirits, and according to his teacher, "everyone loves him" so I don't worry, for I think he is very respected at his school just for his musical talent rather, but I hope he stays happy and thinking everyone is his friend. I do wonder how much longer can go on with his interests so different from the other kids in his class. Much younger too.

Now #3 is really different from her brothers in that she really is very social and just loves everyone. She makes friends with everyone and although sometimes surprised and questioning at first, most of the kids accept her very well and become her friend not mattering how old they are. She has seemed to be able to maintain her old Kindergarten friends which she sees at lunch recess, as well as made several new 1st grade friends. She has only been in 1st grade a couple of months and already been invited to 2 birthday parties. She seems to be doing great! It still astonishes me as I take her to these parties and her classmates are turning 7 years old while she still won't be turning 6 until the end of the school year! But they all seem to get along and they seem to be on her level. She is so happy. I am glad. I wish the boys were as social and easy going as she was.

Who is to know what will happen as the years go by. Will it really be that big of deal come junior high and high school for their age difference? For #2 and #3 who both skipped Kindergarten, I do not think it will matter as much because it will almost seem as if it always was. But for #1 who grade skipping is more recent and will enter Junior High next year as an 11 year old, it seems a little shaky. Only time will tell.

We still wait to see what is in store for our little 3 year old. Maybe we can have just 1 child be "normal" and go through school "normally". Whatever that means!

Hoping You Are Not an "Evil Mommy" while Doing What is Best for Your Gifted Child

Being the parent of a gifted child can be difficult. You are faced with so many tough decisions regarding what you should do or where you should school your child. And as you are trying to figure things out everyone else sure has their opinions to express. Often they are not so nice. This is where we begin to feel like terrible parents.

We have had to make so many decisions for our 3 gifted kids, and each time we honestly aren't sure if it is going to be the right thing. Is anyone ever positively sure?

We've tried "enhanced" curriculum or what the schools call "enrichment" to give extra work or challenge to the kids.

We've done the full time gifted program.

We've done the split grades thing.

We've tried not caring so much what they are doing at school and teaching them at home.

We've tried opening other opportunities to them outside of just academics like getting them more involved in the arts to keep them less bored.

And then in the end we've skipped all 3 of them up a grade.

Now, is this evil? Well, according to many many others, you would think we were cursing our children for life.

Just recently when deciding whether or not we should skip our daughter into 1st Grade, we got quite a lot of comments.

They would say, "Oh, you are robbing your kid's childhood!"
Now come on--how is putting my child in 1st grade "robbing their childhood"? It's not like I'm sending them to military school or making them get a job! So they go to school a little longer and do a little more challenging work at their level. Would it be better if we just let them sit home and watch tv all day? Is that giving them more of a childhood?

Or for my 10 year old who just skipped 5th grade, how many comments we received over that. There are so many people that have told us that skipping grades is absolutely the worst thing you can do to a kid and that they will surely hate us later when they are older and have such an awful social life.

Now, yes, skipping grades is a big deal, and I do look ahead and see my kids being very very young high schoolers, especially my little girl who is now in 1st grade as a 5 year old who will not turn 6 until the very end of the year. It is weird to know that she is in 1st grade right now with kids 2 years older in some cases. That's a big difference.

It's hard to see my 10 year old be in 6th grade knowing he will be in Junior High next year and seeing all the other older kids towering above him or so much more physically mature.

It's hard to see my just turned 8 year old in 3rd grade with kids that don't share the same interests as him because of his age.

So, yes, maybe I'm an evil mommy, but we really have had to weigh over all the pros and cons and when we've tried so many things, this seemed only to be the next option.

I don't believe so much that skipping your child grades will ruin them. I think every child is different and an individual.

Well, as we get the ugly looks and the murmurs behind our backs about how we did such a horrible thing to skip our kids grades, we hang on and hope that things will work out for the best. Maybe it's not the best thing to do for all children, but for our kids, we're giving it a try. True, all most parents want is to see their kids happy. With our kids, being happy has a lot to do with being challenged at school.

Another Child, Yet Another Grade Skipped

Our oldest had skipped 5th grade, our second had skipped Kindergarten, and now here we were facing the decision yet again to skip our 3rd child.

Really, we didn't want to have to keep dealing with this. We just wanted our kids to be normal. What ever that meant. I mean, really, were our kids that much different than their peers? Maybe they were really aliens from outer space. No, I'm only kidding, but where did they get these smart genes from?

We really didn't want to skip our 3rd child. Our 2 boys seemed a little bit quirky and they weren't into sports and they didn't seem to have any problems skipping, but #3 was a girl, and her age was much much younger to be skipping a grade. She was a young 5. She would not be turning 6 until May. What about dating when she gets older? She wouldn't be 16 until the end of her junior year in high school!

Well, as we waited for all the testing the school was doing, as parents we weighed over the pros and cons. We weren't going out there trying to push our child forward. We had told them initially that we didn't want it, but yet they were coming to us because they saw the need. We began asking our daughter what she felt about school and we got some surprising responses.

Pretty much our #3 thought school was super easy and she already knew how to do everything and she thought it was just about playing and having fun. We began to wonder if she was going to get the wrong idea about school. Isn't it about learning?

Her teacher would send home a book a day for her to read and she would read them in a few short minutes and send them back to get another one. Soon the teacher told me she had no more books in her classroom library that she could send home because she had read them all.

What were we to do? Our daughter knew why they were testing her and she wanted to go to 1st grade. We wanted to be sure it was for the right reasons though, not just because she wanted to eat lunch at school or have 2 recesses. We asked her again and again if she were sure. What about your friends?

She simply replied, "Oh, I will still see them at lunch recess, and anyway Mommy, I make tons of new friends everyday!" She was so confident and so happy and outgoing. This child surely didn't have any problems socially. It was rather interesting not having to think so hard about that problem in a gifted child.

Anyway, we met with the principal, her teacher, and the school psychologist that basically told us she needed to be advanced. They said her scores were all extremely high mostly in the very superior range and that she scored at the level of a first grader at the end of the year and had the math and reading skills closer to a student in 2nd grade. How could we keep her in Kindergarten? Well, I suppose we could always try it and see what happens.

What about all day school? Actual homework? Would it be too much? How would the other kids react?

The psychologist said it would be her last day in Kindergarten, and then after a 3 day weekend break, she would start in first grade on Monday.

So, here we go again. It's not like this is new to us, but each child is different, and do you really ever know if you did the right thing? There is so much negative reaction out there from other parents when you skip a child a grade as well as other things, but that is for another post.

For now, we sit on the edge of our seats and wait to see how another grade promotion goes.

Too Smart for Kindergarten?

This is cute #3. She started Kindergarten this year. While I knew she was a pretty bright kid, I'm not so sure she was gifted like that of my 1st two boys. It had been a rough road trying to figure out schooling with #1 and #2, and I just wanted to be done with it.

"Just let my child be normal." I would say to myself, and to teachers as well. I just wanted to have a "normal" child that could go to school like normal and be fine and dandy and not need any special instruction.

Well, I did not get my wish.

3 weeks into school I got a phone call from her teacher while shopping. Her teacher says to me, "I feel like I am wasting her time. She already knows everything I'm going to teach this year. I'm wanting to know if you want her tested for 1st grade."

Oh my. #3. Really we had decided ahead of time that we weren't even going to bother doing anything special as far as school placement with #3. Not that she didn't deserve the best schooling, but we just wanted our kids to be that "normal" that I guess they weren't. And it was weird this time. This was the 1st time that we had a teacher coming to us first to ask us if we wanted to do something because they are the ones to notice first.

Hmmm......what to do?

Our #1 was always so smart. Sooo very smart. It still baffles me to this day how smart he is. But he always showed it from like 18 months old. His has been the roughest road. Bored in Kindergarten, then transferred to a full time split grade gifted program, then back to regular school, then bored again, put into some classes in the grade above his, then finally skipped into the 6th grade. What a mess!

Our #2 was a little different. While he didn't show giftedness at an early age, he almost just woke up overnight one day knowing how to read and everything. It was very different, but also surprising. He had an incredible musical natural talent, but he was also smart enough that he just skipped Kindergarten and started in the split 1st/2nd grade full time gifted program. Now he is back to regular school, but still ahead a grade, although I've never thought it too dramatic because he has an early October birthday.

But here we are with #3. Again, she didn't show giftedness right off, although she sure was a talker! From a young age she sure was always very articulate. We figured it didn't matter how smart she was, because she could talk very well. But then, again, an overnight thing almost. It was like one week she was scribbling and barely knew her ABC's, and then the next week she was coloring perfectly within the lines and had taught herself to read. And the week later she was reading chapter books! How did that happen?

So, anyway, I didn't know what to say to her teacher. Did we want her tested? She may have been smart, but she was also so young! Her birthday was in May, and so she wasn't one of these kids about to turn 6. She was a young Kindergartner.

Well, I told the teacher to go ahead and she could test our #3 now. Of course this didn't mean we were making any decisions, but just maybe we could see how she tested and then think about it.
So, for the next few weeks they tested her, while we contemplated what decision we could make.